please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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