Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
