I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
