he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize