I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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