I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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