I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
