I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize