Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
