I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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