She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
