We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
