please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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