theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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