The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
