I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize