On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
