I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
