i'm lost and i look like a hooker
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
