So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
