Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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