I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
