We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
