if i can run in heels then i can drive
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
