Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize