Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
