??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
