Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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