Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
