Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
