Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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