SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
