thus making me awesome and them whores
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
