So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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