Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize