you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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