You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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