And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This baby is an asshole
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
