I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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