I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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