My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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