Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
