I met the friendliest cop last night
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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