Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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