did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I enjoy the company of your penis
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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