You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
