Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
