Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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