You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
