I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
God, I missed his penis.
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