im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I understand Curling. That high.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
