He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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