Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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