Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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