Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
