May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
