i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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